How to Keep from Getting Your Ass Kidnapped While on Vacation in Colombia Hollis Gillespie - Paste Magazine
go to original January 31, 2015

As a travel expert, my best advice against getting kidnapped while vacationing is to avoid Colombia. According to travel stats, Colombia has the worst kidnapping rate of any country in the history of forever. But people regularly ignore my advice, probably because tickets to Bogota are so cheap - what with the kidnapping risk and all.

Take my friend Steve and his brother, two adorable young blond specimens who look loved by their family and therefore very ransom-worthy. They’re leaving to vacation in Colombia soon, probably never to be seen again. I’ve put together this list to help protect their ignorant asses:

• Don’t look like you work for a multinational company or a foreign government. Instead, say you’re a nomadic street performer, and don’t forget to dress like a dead hobo.

• Never pay for anything with your credit card. The Colombian gangs have insiders at banks and retail stores who can alert their co-thugs of a juicy prospect. It’s best to look sad and pay for things by emptying your pockets of pennies and sediment right onto the counter.

• Claim you’ve lost contact with your family if your taxi driver, hotel clerk, cashier, etc., makes even the most casual inquiry. Here is a sample script: “I am unmarried and diseased with no family, having been abandoned at birth and raised in a cave by feral cats.”

• Don’t wear expensive jewelry. In fact, don’t wear any jewelry, not even the ankle bracelet crocheted for you out of dental floss by your sister’s kid. It’s a flag that someone loves you, and if someone loves you they would sell their car to keep you from being held hostage in a spider hole for a few years.

Read the rest at Paste Magazine

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