How to Deal With a Drug Addicted Adult Son or Daughter Darren Haber - GoodTherapy
go to original March 9, 2022

We have a 30-year-old daughter addicted to drugs and alcohol. She recently lost custody and is supposed to have supervised visits with her son, who is 7. He lives with his dad who lets him go over there and spend the night even though the courts have said NO. We no longer have a relationship with our daughter, we don't help with anything. She lives in a rent free apartment with her drugie boyfriend, gets food stamps and doesn't keep a job for more than 2 months at a time if she works at all. We are not enabling her, but the system is. Why doesn't she have to be drug tested to receive these programs? I have to, to keep my job, no wonder she doesn't change. What can we do? She won't go to rehab or get any help ... we are lost. - Frustrated Father

Dear Frustrated Father,

Thank you for your question. I’m sorry to hear about your painful situation. It’s so difficult to see someone we love self-destructing in their addiction. However, it sounds like you have done all you can in not supporting her financially and refusing to enable her in any way. I know you have been through a lot already, but I have two suggestions that might help relieve some of the stress you are currently experiencing.

I highly recommend that your entire family and circle of friends get some support. Addiction has a traumatic effect on everyone in the family, even those family members who are not living in the same house with the person struggling with the addiction. Just being able to “vent” with other people who can relate to your situation will provide a great deal of relief for you.

Look for a counselor who is familiar with addiction and/or consider attending Al-Anon meetings. You will be able to get some practical suggestions, and you will be able to find emotional support as well, to address that “lost” feeling you refer to. Also with the help of a counselor, you can begin to address any anger, remorse, anxiety or other emotional feelings you are experiencing. This type of support will also help regulate your own physical and mental health, which is at greater risk of dysfunction because of the stress you are under.

To find a counselor or therapist, begin by contacting the nearest drug/alcohol treatment center, or hospital that offers such a program; these facilities should have social workers who can offer suggestions. Or perhaps you can contact a therapist listed below on this website.

You might also, if you wish, occasionally let your daughter know that it’s her addiction you dislike, not the good person underneath, as a reminder that you’re willing to reconnect if she seeks help facing her problem. That is if you feel comfortable doing so; and it is perfectly understandable if you do not. It’s just that, stressful as these situations are, coming from a position of love while holding proper boundaries can sometimes break the ice – if, of course, the struggling person truly wants help. I hope your daughter does get help, sooner rather than later.

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Related: Parents With Addicted Children Need To Know These 4 Things (Vertava Health)

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